The Date From Hell   |  Stories

The Date From Hell

Motor Mouth Date

All names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty!

"Between the lesbian and his Comedy Troupe I didn't get a word in most of the night!"

I had been dating off the internet for about a year and nothing was working out. I decided to give it one more shot. I started talking to guy who just seemed perfect! He had a good job, lived in the city, had a good head on his shoulders and was looking for a serious relationship. His picture was so cute.

I was so excited when he asked me for my number. He called me that evening and we talked for an hour. Turns out he was a dancing usher for the Phillies, a mummer and went to an acting school for SNL. They compared him to Mike Myers and Jim Carey... He started his own Comedy Troupe - the first one in Philadelphia - back in 1999 and stars in, directs and produces his own sketches.

I started having doubts about him since most theatre guys are real weirdos. But I decided to give it a shot... I mean look at the pic! So we agreed to meet up on South Street.

I start walking down the street when a guy with a rose stops me. I didn't even recognize him. He looked nothing like his picture. His athletic build was a beer belly, he had on rags for clothes and his face was a lot wider. It looked like he hadn't been groomed in days and although he was supposed to be 25, he looked like he was in his late thirties.

I was so disappointed! And you know what was the first thing he did? He took me to this theatre on South Street to show me the dressing room, the back stage, the sound booth, the seats... it was so weird. Vacant theatre and he's leading me in there. I'm such a dumb ass... thank God he was a good person!

We went for drinks and he was totally in love with himself. Turns out he was engaged two years ago. She broke up with him on Valentine's Day on the Spirit of Philadelphia because she realized she was a lesbian. Between the lesbian and his Comedy Troupe I didn't get a word in most of the night.

When I finally did get a word in, he wasn't paying attention because the Phillies were playing. He would jump up and down, dance around the bar and clap at the great plays. The whole time I stared at him trying to find the cute picture inside of him. I realized that yes, it was a picture of him... when he was in COLLEGE!

The he decided he didn't want to be there anymore. So after trying to kiss me like 10 times and taking my hand and pulling me closer to him, he takes me back to the theater were he has his cigarettes. This time he acts out a scene for me from his new show which was only playing Thursday, Friday and Saturday (which he tells me I MUST GO SEE!) and then shows me pictures and the press releases to all the past shows since 1999.

Finally we leave. We start walking down South Street. We walk down to the waterfront right by the Spirit of Philadelphia and I look at him and say "Where are we going?" He says, "I dunno."

I'm getting a little bit creeped out because by this point he's talking about taking a vacation together and how Virgos and Capricorns are made for each other and it's so weird that he's a bookstore manager and I used to be customer service for bookstores and we've probably talked to each other on the phone before... blah blah blah. So I tell him I have to go.

He walks me back to my car and tells me how beautiful I am... then shoves his tongue down my throat. He tells me how he wants to take me on the Spirit of Philadelphia and how he's had so much fun and really hopes he can share his shows with me as that's what he really wants to find in a woman... I was so disappointed with the whole evening because I really thought he was going to be a good one... He called two or three times but I never returned his calls.

I no longer date people who only have one picture of themselves posted. I now make them show me several and ask them if they are recent!

Oh, yes, it was a DATE FROM HELL.

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